Unintentionally harming your relationship with your child?

The Story You Tell Yourself About Your Child Matters More Than You Think

What if the way you experience your child has less to do with who they are—and more to do with the story you are telling yourself about them?

So much of how we experience our kids is shaped by what we think about them.

If you think, “My child always whines,” your brain will become really good at finding all the times your child whines.

If you think, “My teenager never listens,” you'll notice every eye roll, every ignored request, and every time they walk away while you're talking.

Our brains are incredibly good at looking for evidence to support what we're already thinking.

And this can work for us or against us.

The story I used to tell myself

I used to have a habitual thought about one of my sons:

“He's such a brat.”

It was almost automatic. When he did something that annoyed me, there it was.

He's such a brat.

And because that was the story I was carrying around, I became really good at finding evidence to support it.

I would notice the attitude.

The complaining.

The things he did that bothered me.

The moments when he wasn't being the child I wanted him to be.

But eventually, I realized something:

I didn't want “He's such a brat” to be the story I carried about my son.

That didn't mean I needed to pretend his behavior was always great. It didn't mean I needed to excuse poor choices or never correct him.

It simply meant I wanted to start looking at him through a different lens.

Instead of “He's such a brat,” I started asking myself:

“I wonder what it's like to be 15 right now. I wonder what's bothering him?”

That question changed the way I saw him.

And I had to practice it.

A LOT.

Try a New Lens

Here are some common stories we can easily fall into when parenting gets hard—and some alternative thoughts we can practice instead.

OLD STORYTRY THIS INSTEAD
“He/she is such a brat.”“I wonder what it's like to be 15 right now. I wonder what's bothering him/her?”
“He is so disrespectful.”“He is practicing independence and emotional expression.”
“My teen is lazy.”“My teen may be overwhelmed and need help building small wins.”
“My teen doesn't care.”“My teen cares deeply but may not know how to show it.”
“She never listens.”“She hears me more than she shows.”
“He is so selfish.”“My child is figuring out who they are and that's a healthy process.”
“My kid is out of control.”“My kids is having big feelings, and needs me to stay solid.”
“I've lost my child.”“Our connection is still there waiting to be nurtured differently.”

You don't have to choose these exact thoughts. The important thing is to find a new story that feels believable to you and allows you to see your child with more compassion.

But there's one important caveat.

You have to believe the new thought.

If you don't believe it, it's going to be really difficult to replace the old thought.

You can't go from:

“My kid is driving me crazy. He's so selfish.”

to:

“My child is absolutely wonderful and everything he does is perfect!”

…and expect your brain to just go along with it.

That's probably not going to work.

Instead, find a thought that feels a little more believable and a lot more helpful.

Maybe:

“He's struggling right now.”

“He's still learning.”

“He doesn't mean to be difficult. He may not know another way.”

“There is probably more going on than I can see.”

“I can correct the behavior without making him the problem.”

Then practice it.

You Have to Train Your Brain

I didn't just decide one day that I wasn't going to think “He's such a brat” anymore.

I had to intentionally practice a different thought.

I would actually put alarms in my phone to remind me:

“He doesn't mean to be difficult. He just doesn't know any other way.”

I wrote new thoughts on sticky notes and put them in places I would see them throughout the day.

Because changing a habitual thought takes repetition.

The old thought had been practiced hundreds maybe thousands of times.

Of course it came automatically.

So I had to give my brain something new to practice.

And slowly, something changed.

I'm proud to say that I rarely think, “He's such a brat” anymore.

It's not my go-to thought.

And when I changed the story I was telling myself about him, I noticed that I experienced him differently.

I had more patience.

I was less reactive.

I was more curious about what was underneath his behavior.

And most importantly, I was able to see my son, instead of just seeing the behavior that was frustrating me.

What Story Are You Carrying?

This is something I want every parent to think about.

What are the thoughts you have about your child that you've repeated so many times they feel like facts?

She's so dramatic.

He's so lazy.

She never listens.

He's so selfish.

She doesn't care.

He's always angry.

She's just difficult.

Maybe those things feel true because you've collected a lot of evidence for them.

But what if your brain is simply doing what brains do looking for evidence to support the story you've already decided is true?

What if you started looking for different evidence?

Not because you're ignoring your child's behavior.

Not because you're lowering your expectations.

Not because you're pretending everything is fine.

But because you want to parent the whole child not just the behavior that's bothering you.

🌿 Final Thought

Changing the story changes everything.

You don't have to completely change the way you think about your child overnight.

Just start noticing the story.

Then ask yourself:

“Is this the story I want to keep telling?”

If the answer is no, choose a new thought.

Make it believable.

Write it down.

Put it on a sticky note.

Set an alarm.

And practice it until, one day, the new story becomes the story your brain naturally reaches for.

Because the way you see your child affects the way you respond to your child.

And sometimes, changing the story is the first step toward changing the relationship.

xoxo,
Megan 

PS: I'm teaching More Peace at Home (a series of parenting classes). Click HERE For more information.

✔ Get kids to listen without yelling - Communication
✔ Stop power struggles - Connection
✔ Teach responsibility - Confidence
✔ Raise confident kids - Coaching

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