What If You Just Agreed With Your Child?

 The other day, I was thinking about how many arguments we get into with our kids that really don't need to become arguments at all.

You know the kind.

Your child says, “You never listen to me, just listen!”

And your immediate response is:

“What do you mean I never listen to you? I listened to you for 20 minutes yesterday!”

Now you're both arguing about whether or not you listen.

Or maybe your child says:

“I want ice cream. I don't want this gross dinner.”

And suddenly you're explaining nutrition, reminding them that they had ice cream yesterday, telling them how much work you put into dinner, and explaining that everyone else is eating their dinner.

Sound familiar?

I've started thinking about how often our kids aren't actually asking us to fix something. They're just making a statement.

And what if, instead of arguing with the statement, we just agreed with it?

If your child says, “You never listen to me,” try:

“Okay.”

Or even:

“You're right.”

My favorite phrase to use is:

"I believe you."

Now, you might be thinking, But I'm not always wrong! I listen to my child all the time!

I know. Me too.

But are there times when you don't listen?🙋‍♀️

Absolutely.

There are times I'm distracted, busy, tired, cooking dinner, looking at my phone, or simply don't have the capacity to stop everything and listen. So if one of my kids says, “You never listen to me,” maybe they're exaggerating, but there may still be some truth behind what they're feeling.  They are right sometimes.

I don't have to prove them wrong.

I can just say, “You're right. Sometimes I don't listen very well.”

And then move on.

Or take the ice cream example.

“I want ice cream instead of this gross dinner.”

“I believe you.”

Or:

“Me too.”

Does that mean I'm serving ice cream for dinner?

No. 😂

It simply means I don't need to turn their statement into a battle.

If they say, “I don't want to go to Grandma's.”

I can say, “I know. You really don't want to go.”

And then we still go to Grandma's.

That's the part I think we sometimes miss.

Agreeing with your child doesn't mean giving them what they want.

It means acknowledging what they are saying.

You can hear them without changing the boundary.

You can believe them without agreeing to their demands.

And you don't have to follow every “I want…” with a five-minute explanation about why they can't have it.  GUILTY

Sometimes, “I know.” is enough.

Sometimes, “You're right.” is enough.

Sometimes, “Me too.” is enough.

Sometimes, "I believe you." is enough.

I've found that when we stop trying so hard to convince our kids that they're wrong, something interesting happens: there's less to fight about.

The conversation doesn't have anywhere to go.

They say, “I don't want to go.”

You say, “I know. I wouldn't want to either.”

And suddenly you're not fighting about whether they should want to go.

They say, “You never listen.”

You say, “You're right. I could listen better.”

And suddenly you're not defending yourself.

You don't always have to correct your child's statement. You don't always have to explain yourself. And you certainly don't have to win every argument.

Sometimes your child just wants to know that you heard them.  We do this too as adults.

So the next time your child says something that would normally send you into an explanation, a lecture, or an argument, try something different.

Just agree.

You might be surprised by how quickly the tension disappears.

xoxo,

Megan

PS: I'm teaching More Peace at Home (a series of parenting classes). Click HERE For more information.
✔ Get kids to listen without yelling - Communication
✔ Stop power struggles - Connection
✔ Teach responsibility - Confidence
✔ Raise confident kids - Coaching

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