What Does Your Child Need Right Now: To Be Heard, Helped, Hugged, or High-Fived?

I love Mel Robbins, and recently I heard something on her podcast that has stuck with me.

I’m not even sure she was talking specifically about parenting, but as soon as I heard it, I thought, this applies to almost every relationship and especially to our relationships with our kids.

The question was:

Does this person need to be heard, helped, hugged, or high-fived?

I have found myself using this question over and over with my kids.

Because sometimes when our kids are upset, our first instinct is to fix it.

Or give advice.

Or explain why they shouldn’t be upset.

Or tell them what they need to do differently.

And sometimes, that's not what they need at all.

Sometimes they just need to be heard.

Sometimes they need help.

Sometimes they need a hug.

And sometimes they need someone to celebrate them and say, “You’ve got this!”

You can even ask your child what they need.

Of course, in the middle of a meltdown, they may not have any idea. 😅

But even if they can't tell you, asking yourself the question can change the way you respond.

Heard. Helped. Hugged. High-fived.

I had a chance to practice this recently with my 10-year-old.

He seemed completely fine that morning. We were eating breakfast, and I noticed he was sighing loudly over and over.

I asked, “What’s wrong?”

And suddenly, he started crying.

Then the crying turned into yelling, and the yelling turned into more crying. For about 20 minutes, he was completely overwhelmed.

Finally, he said, “I need to talk to you.”

And if I'm being honest, I wasn't in the best place to listen.

I was annoyed. I didn't really feel like being kind. And in that moment, offering a hug was definitely not my first instinct.

But I could tell he needed an outlet.

So I said, “One way you can be heard is by writing.”

I got him a piece of paper, and he started writing.

And something interesting happened.

He calmed down.

Later, when we were both in a better place emotionally, we talked about what had happened.

I was able to teach him that our thoughts can create a lot of the feelings we're experiencing. We talked about how it's okay to feel overwhelmed and that feelings aren't something we need to be afraid of or immediately get rid of.

I gave him a hug.

We talked about how writing can be really therapeutic. You can write everything you're thinking and feeling and then throw the paper away. Or, if you want someone to help you work through something, you can share it with them.

And most importantly, we connected.

That connection didn't erase the hard moment.

It didn't mean either of us handled every second of it perfectly.

But working through it together strengthened our relationship.

And I think that's what we're often missing as parents.

We don't have to make every hard moment disappear.

We don't have to have the perfect response.

Sometimes we just need to pause long enough to ask:

What does my child need from me right now?

Do they need to be...

HEARD — “I just need you to listen.”

HELPED — “I don't know what to do. Can you help me?”

HUGGED — “I don't need you to fix this. I just need to feel safe and loved.”

HIGH-FIVED — “I need you to remind me that I can do this.”

And sometimes, we won't get it right.

That's okay, too.

Parenting isn't about responding perfectly every time. It's about continuing to come back to connection.

So the next time your child is melting down, complaining, crying, or coming to you with a problem, before you jump into fixing mode, try asking yourself:

Heard, helped, hugged, or high-fived?

It might just change the way you respond.

Want more help creating more peace at home?

I've got you. ❤️

Starting next week, I'm teaching my More Peace at Home parenting classes where we'll talk about practical ways to communicate with your kids, handle big emotions, strengthen your connection, and create a more peaceful relationship at home.  Click HERE for more details.  Four classes for only $50!

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