Our kids behavior is not who they are.

What if the behavior you're seeing isn't really about who your child is, but about what they're feeling?

Kids, just like adults, act based on what is going on inside of them. When they're frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, embarrassed, lonely, or tired, it often comes out in their behavior.

Sometimes it comes out as yelling, whining, arguing, refusing to listen, or fighting with a sibling.

And sometimes, let's be honest, we look at our child and think, "Why are you being such a brat?"

But when we separate the behavior from their identity, we give them room to grow.

A child can make a bad choice without being a bad kid.

A child can act selfishly and still be a generous person.

A child can lie and still become an honest person.

A child can be disrespectful and still be a kind, respectful person.

What if instead of focusing only on the behavior, we got curious about what might be underneath it?

  • Maybe your child isn't being difficult. Maybe they're feeling overwhelmed.

  • Maybe they're not trying to be disrespectful. Maybe they're feeling frustrated and don't know how to express it.

  • Maybe they're not being selfish. Maybe they're feeling left out or insecure.

  • Maybe they're not trying to push your buttons. Maybe they're having a hard time managing big emotions.

Our job isn't to convince our kids that their behavior is okay. It's to help them recognize when their choices aren't okay while reminding them that they are always capable of making a different choice.

It's not okay to yell at Mom, hit a sibling, or speak unkindly. We can absolutely set boundaries, correct behavior, and hold our children accountable.

But we can do all of that without making their behavior their identity.

There is a big difference between saying, "You're so mean to your brother," and saying, "That was unkind. I won't let you hurt your brother."
Sometimes I like to say, "remember you're such a nice boy, and punching your brother isn't who you are."

One attacks who they are. The other addresses what they did.

Our children need to know that even when their behavior isn't okay, they are still okay.

At their core, our children are good. They are learning. They're figuring out how to navigate emotions, relationships, disappointment, and the world around them. And honestly, so are we!

The next time your child acts in a way that frustrates you, try getting curious before getting critical.

Instead of asking, "What's wrong with you?" try asking yourself:

"What's going on with you?"

That one little shift can change the way we parent.

"See the good in your child, even when their behavior makes it hard to see."

Parenting with you,

Megan 

PS I'm teaching a free workshop on this Wednesday, Nov. 11 @ 1:30 MST.  Inside Megan Whitesides Coaching FB group.  Join here

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